Day 8 - Scleroderma Awareness - Pain

Well at least I'm not 2 days late this time. This past week, well the past few weeks have been rough. I was starting to do a little better but lately I feel like I'm almost as bad as last summer's flare up. The pain has been hard to manage. I try to avoid taking the pain meds but I think the pain is part of what wears me out. Its like I have to create my good days with numbing the pain but then I feel everything when they wear off. I’m trying my best to listen to my body, to learn what causes my flare ups and GERDS attacks. A lot of what I’m dealing with is based off of the choices I make along with the unpredictable attacks from this disease. Sometimes I just lay in bed and try to shut out everything and I feel like my body is screaming at me. Sometimes I want to scream at my body but instead I just lay there and cry in frustration. I thought I had worked through all of this before but I’m back at square one again. I need to really start loving myself even though I have betrayed my body with the terrible choices of the past and my body has betrayed me by keeping me from so much! The pain and the fatigue have been trying to keep me a prisoner but I have already been set free! I need to remember that!

            I was going to stop drawing these pictures because I feel like it makes me dwell on this disease too much but after reading a comment on a Scleroderma FB post I’m going to keep drawing them. From far away it’s hard to see the reality of what Scleroderma does to people. Its not as obvious depending on treatment and situations, still the internal struggle definitely is real! The torment our bodies go through are sometimes hard to describe. Everyday life can be very complicated and high maintenance. So when the question gets asked “how are you doing?” the answer is either fake or awkwardly honest. I thought being elusive and hiding away would make things easier but loneliness is a bitter friend. I still don’t share everything about what Scleroderma does to me on a daily but at least for now, I can express it (or release it!) through my art and this blog. If anyone wants to know more feel free to ask but I’d rather tell you how much JESUS pulls me through every single struggle every single time!