After such a busy weekend, it has taken me about 5 days to recover. It's really difficult for me to write during this time because I am so sore and achy. I can barely move. The pain is so bad I just feel like disappearing. I don't have the strength or energy to do hardly anything. Somehow I still manage to let it get the best of me. I just lay here in my thoughts. Sometimes I can hear my heart beating and I imagine that it would stop. I wonder why God keeps me here just to be laying in bed. All I ever wanted was to live a life with purpose. I feel like such a failure. Am I such a terrible person that I deserve this torment? The more I push forward the more I pay for it. It makes me scared to keep trying knowing the pain that will come. Still l am going to be grateful for this disease. It has helped me see things more clearly. It has shown me who really love and care about me. It has strengthened my marriage and brought my mother and I closer together. More importantly it has forced me to slow down and reach out to JESUS! I see Him more and more everyday. I cried out to Him last night for mercy, to take me home cause I give up; in the morning I hear a knock on the door. As I was reading my Bible, a woman walked past my window with a Bible in her hand. My mom didn't hear the knock so she didn't answer the door in time but a flyer was left in the door. It said "Don't Give Up!". It was for a Jehovah's Witness conference. I don't follow that doctrine but I still believe that my Heavenly Father sent that message to encourage me. He can use anything for His purpose and glory even Scleroderma. My prayer is that I would be content in every situation. That my incapacitated state would be a blessing rather than a curse so that I can see God there and give Him glory even if I can't lift my hands.
Thursday, June 15, 2017
Day 11 thru 15 - Scleroderma Awareness - Reaching out
After such a busy weekend, it has taken me about 5 days to recover. It's really difficult for me to write during this time because I am so sore and achy. I can barely move. The pain is so bad I just feel like disappearing. I don't have the strength or energy to do hardly anything. Somehow I still manage to let it get the best of me. I just lay here in my thoughts. Sometimes I can hear my heart beating and I imagine that it would stop. I wonder why God keeps me here just to be laying in bed. All I ever wanted was to live a life with purpose. I feel like such a failure. Am I such a terrible person that I deserve this torment? The more I push forward the more I pay for it. It makes me scared to keep trying knowing the pain that will come. Still l am going to be grateful for this disease. It has helped me see things more clearly. It has shown me who really love and care about me. It has strengthened my marriage and brought my mother and I closer together. More importantly it has forced me to slow down and reach out to JESUS! I see Him more and more everyday. I cried out to Him last night for mercy, to take me home cause I give up; in the morning I hear a knock on the door. As I was reading my Bible, a woman walked past my window with a Bible in her hand. My mom didn't hear the knock so she didn't answer the door in time but a flyer was left in the door. It said "Don't Give Up!". It was for a Jehovah's Witness conference. I don't follow that doctrine but I still believe that my Heavenly Father sent that message to encourage me. He can use anything for His purpose and glory even Scleroderma. My prayer is that I would be content in every situation. That my incapacitated state would be a blessing rather than a curse so that I can see God there and give Him glory even if I can't lift my hands.
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