Day 1 – Scleroderma Awareness Month

It’s about 6:30 in the morning, as usual I’m wide awake. I hardly sleep a full eight hours at night. Normally I just lay here in my thoughts which end up driving me crazy with frustrations over all the things I wish I could do or could have done. I figured I’ll make some good use of this time awake by starting my blog back up again. What better time to start then on the first day of Scleroderma awareness month! So I’m going to try my best to post something every day about this condition, disease, hell or whatever you want to call it.

Definition

Scleroderma is a progressive disease that affects the skin and connective tissue (including cartilage, bone, fat, and the tissue that supports the nerves and blood vessels throughout the body). There are two major forms of the disorder. The type known as localized scleroderma mainly affects the skin. Systemic scleroderma, which is also called systemic sclerosis, affects the smaller blood vessels and internal organs of the body.

Guess who has “systemic sclerosis”? It feels like it affects every single part of my body. There is not a moment where I am 100% pain free. Along with the physical pain is the emotional and mental anguish of dealing with the pain and watching my body get slowly disfigured. It’s very difficult right now on so many levels, to write about this. I never had a problem before with writing about my condition or anything really but this past year has been really tough. I got to a point where I didn’t want to write anymore but God has always been putting it in my heart to write. I never knew why or what about until now I suppose. He has held me through all of my struggles, especially with Scleroderma. Without Him I definitely wouldn’t be here still. I don’t know what these blog posts will accomplish but He does so I’m putting my trust in Him to share about my life with this disease. I hope it helps someone else who is struggling because I have a feeling that it’s going to be some sort of healing process for me.

Dream of Oppression and Hope

I had a dream the other night that the world was under complete oppression, almost prison state. We were told what to eat, what to wear, when to shower and we had no belongings of our own. I was digging holes in the ground trying to hide toys and different things because we couldn't keep them. Triple H (yes the wrestler ^^) caught me trying to hide some wooden blocks i found. The other people around me he had shot. He sent me to a place full of skeletons with rotting flesh. I saw faces of agony on them. I could hear people crying and wanting out of their miseries. I was overcome with a boldness i never knew i had. As if it was from a time long ago. It all came rushing back to me. This is all temporary i said. God is still with us. He is eternal and He does not change. Jesus Christ is true freedom! They can destroy our bodies but not our spirit! After i spoke there was a quiet overwhelming peace. I woke up...

Healing Process

I went to my routine visit with the rheumatologist today and received lots of information about myself.  I learned that the reason why I have premature menopause is because of the chemotherapy I went through over 5 years ago. For a long time I thought of all sorts of reasons why I can't have a baby. I even let myself believe the lie that there is something wrong with me or that I don't deserve to have children. The doctor said there were no regrets about putting me on Cytoxan because of the positive effects it has had on my body. She even said that I am doing really well for having Scleroderma and my case was in a league of its own. Of course, there is another BIG factor at play! The doctor mentioned that other cases didn't do well at all with all sorts of different treatments. All I could tell them was that I had a lot of help. I almost felt bad because I only said that my faith was what got me through such a trying time when this disease was at its worst in me. I should have just came right out and said it: without God I would NOT have made it through those painful years! Instead I said it was MY faith. Then it came to mind what Jesus said every time He healed someone:

He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."  I know in my heart those doctors knew where my "help" comes from so I don't have to feel guilty about not speaking His Name. Still, I must share it with everyone else. JESUS HEALS! Sure I could believe that the Cytoxan did its job but at what cost? I don't deny that it was a tool that was used but all GLORY, HONOR AND PRAISE goes to my HEAVENLY FATHER! He has been so good to me and has been carrying me through so much.  My  life has been changing so drastically, especially in the past 10 years. I CANNOT deny Him or what He is doing. Remembering all this just keeps my faith growing even stronger. The doctor said right now my body is doing better but it could change in the future since it is a chronic disease. God says He satisfies my desires and renews my youth like the eagles. My desire is to have a child and however it happens I know my faith partnered with GOD'S GRACE will work it all out. I am not going to be fearful about my future health status because no matter what changes, on CHRIST THE SOLID ROCK I will stand! THANK YOU FATHER! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

Mother's Day Anguish and Breakthrough

Happy Mother's Day to all the mommas out there!! :D I have to admit it has been a bittersweet day for me. I have been dealing with this inner turmoil I've been having about well, not having any children.  I just found out a few weeks ago that I have premature menopause.  I wanted so much to believe I was pregnant all the way until the day of my sonogram.  I procrastinated going because of memories of my past one. Instead of seeing my lifeless child, I saw complete darkness. I honestly can't say which felt worse.  What I do know is that I thank my Father God for giving me His Son, Jesus Christ!!! He gives me Hope and Reassurance daily!  If I didn't have Him in my life, I would have completely given up so many times.  He has shown me that this life is temporary and that the next one is where all the really good stuff happens.  With Him I know that my first child is waiting for me.  I didn't get to know the pain of child birth but the pain I did have is enough to appreciate having a child in my arms.  I haven't been able to yet but I will have an eternity to never let go!  Only God knows why I can't have children, whether it's because of His Will or because that thief satan is futilely  trying to rob what's rightfully mine.  Either way I know, trust and praise my Heavenly Father to help get through this.  After hearing just in the past few days, of all the horrible things being done to so many children, it has caused a burning anger in my heart! Part of my turmoil was frustration of so much awful in gratitude for their lives but not any more. I have come to the conclusion that I am going to do something about it and turn that anger into a Righteous anger.  I thirst for justice for the children in this world and I pray that God will give me the Wisdom and Strength to make a difference.  The enemy the devil hates children because of how much Jesus loves them.  I remember when I was younger I would always have dreams of hiding , trying to protect or searching for a baby and I never knew what they meant. Maybe that's part of my purpose, as well as making sure my loved ones get saved.  Slowly I can see my life starting to come into focus and I am starting to get a grasp of what God has planned for me.  On the agenda is teaching the Gospel to my kids at church, taking the Gospel to my kids in the Dominican Republic, then fostering and adopting lots of kids of all ages for the rest of my life!  I have learned that we are all God's adopted children and whether they would have been from the womb or not makes no difference.  Everyone wants to be and deserves to be loved, especially children.  I thank You Father in advance for entrusting me with the lives of Your children, AMEN.

Psalm 113:9
He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD.

SPRING IS ON ITS WAY

If it seems like you're stuck in these cold, dark days of Winter know that you won't stay frozen here for long. 

SPRING IS ON ITS WAY!

The sun is still shining and it gives us hope, a glimpse of the lovely Spring days.  Those are the days when everything grows, when the seeds we planted begin to bud. Even the seeds that seemed to be planted during strife will eventually blossom into something beautiful to behold.  The ice will melt, the clouds will part.  The sun will shine and warm your heart.

 So when its cold and gloomy just keep in mind, SPRING IS ON ITS WAY!!

Isaiah 60:1

“Arise, shine, for your light has come, 

   and the glory of the LORD rises upon you. 

Isaiah 61:11

The Sovereign LORD will show his justice to the nations of the world. Everyone will praise him! His righteousness will be like a garden in early spring, with plants springing up everywhere.

Hosea 6:3

Oh, that we might know the LORD! Let us press on to know him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring.” 

The End Product

We often expect to see people as the already perfect created being that God sees us as.  Or we try to be that perfect being ourselves.

WE ARE NOT GOD!

We are not perfect but we are a Good Work in Progress!  It is very easy to be critical of ourselves or one another for not being the "end product" but we have the perfect outline to follow made by the Perfect Man, the Perfecter Himself, Jesus Christ!  Until we all meet again in Heaven will we be able to expect perfection from ourselves and one another.  In the mean time we can expect perfect Peace from the One who is.

Romans 12:3 NLT

Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.

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Self pity is such a waste of time.

Feeling sorry for myself never changes anything. I am tired of allowing it to control my life and keep me from doing so much that needs to be done already. Some things are just beyond my control and what isn't, I have to stop being lazy about making the changes for the better. I just need to focus on what I do have control over and ask God to give me the wisdom to deal with it all, what I don't I give to Him.