I meant to post part this last week but procrastination and fatigue got the best of me as usual. Please forgive that it's all over the place...
Now that I am starting to be a lot more functional it has put me back into this rock and hard place that I constantly struggle with. As soon as I start to feel myself I start going a mile a minute. I want to do everything I couldn't before when I was laid out. I remember laying in bed for days and days getting all sorts of ideas and dreams that almost seemed to diminish just as quickly because of my brain fog or the hopelessness of my condition at that moment. I try now to remember and sometimes I get lucky but even still I continue to get new ideas and dreams. I tend to jump into as much activity as possible and I see now it is the fear of not being able to complete a project or do much of anything because my energy levels are still constantly fluctuating daily. Its a bit of a crap shoot every morning. Since I have been doing physical/occupational therapy, I feel like I'm getting stronger but I still pay for it dearly. Still I know it will all be worth it! My current struggle though is the constant fatigue and soreness, that and of course doing too much! I want to be an asset to society, I want to do meaningful things with my life! I'm so sick of being helpless and reliant on others for simple tasks. I miss the freedom of being able to do whatever I want without fear of pain or weakness to follow each and every time. Having to pick and choose which activities to get into has been tough. I hate to disappoint my loved ones when I can't make it to different functions and I especially hate missing out on fellowship with my friends! Nonetheless I am truly grateful for this renewed strength and hope! What I am learning now is to remember my identity in Christ! Yes I had to drop out of school and I can't work a regular job like everyone else but that doesn't make me less of a person. God thinks I'm special and I know He has nothing but good planned for me! My true and real fear is that I forget what He has already done for me and I fall back into my old ways of trying to strive for my own greatness or glory! All I want to do now is just live for Him and bring Him glory with all that I do. I felt like I have wasted so much time focusing on the wrong pursuits but I know my Father will restore all that I have squandered and then some! Just being able to spend so much alone time with Him now has been the biggest blessing that has come out of all that I have endured. I pray that I never take this sweetest most precious time in my life for granted ever again!
Yesterday my amazingly sweet husband took me to a nice lunch at our favorite Castroville Cafe. Then we went to Castroville park for a quick hike up on Cross Hill Trail. It was very tough but I prayed the whole way up. I even forgot my portable oxygen and almost ran out of water! Yet I sucked it up and kept hiking. It was so worth it just to see that view and spend quality time with my husband! We have been through so much together and today marks 7 years of marriage/14 years together. My husband has been my biggest supporter through this journey through hell called Scleroderma. I really don't deserve this man. He does so much for me and asks for nothing in return. For him especially will I keep going. I just feel terrible that I tend to take my frustrations out on him but he loves me anyway. He keeps me from falling into my self pity parties. He doesn't let me over work myself and at times I tend to resent him for it. He almost didn't let me make that climb but I insisted of course. I wanted to prove to him and myself that I could do it. I knew I would be taking a chance by doing this. Risking many days laid up and "paying for it". I refused to give into the fear of uncertainty. I have to keep pressing forward. After looking at the pics we took I see a parallel of this spur of the moment climb and our journey in this life together. There has been times we want to both give up but God has given us all we need to make it through. He has shown me so much love and encouragement through my husband. I even feel the disappointment when I start to lose my grip and want to quit, Wherever our path leads us it will definitely be worth all the pain, heartache, and frustrations. Its going to be so worth it at the end!
Sitting outside today during my quiet time reflecting on everything that happened this weekend has revealed so much. My Father has strengthened my marriage, shown me His love through my husband and reminded me of old promises long forgotten. This being my wedding anniversary makes it more clear to me how much He loves me. All those times in my pain and fear when I wanted to quit and "go home", He was always here. He has never left me. He won't give up on me. I don't have to go anywhere because His Presence is Heaven to me. If I keep remembering that I will never leave Him for anything else, I would never want to.
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