Bad Dreams

Last night I dreamt about the end of the world again. This time everything that is faith related like crosses, pictures of Jesus anything at all were all gone. As if they had all been taken away. I saw someone dear to me being demon possessed. All that was left of the Word was the Word itself. The Bible, and a bunch of us who still remembered God were trying to figure out what we needed to do next. I don't know what this all means or if it's even supposed to mean anything at all but I'm still scared. I know I must continue to pray and read more of the Bible. I've had these kind of dreams since I was a kid before I even read the Bible and I only knew what was taught in catecism(?). I know when my time comes it will all make sense. I just have to trust in the Lord to watch over me like He always does! Good nite! I hope my dreams will be much more pleasant this time. :)

New Ideas and Second Chances of Worth

I have been wondering what to do with myself since my new life started. All my life I wanted to do something amazing, something that mattered. I finally see what God has had in store for me. I thought I wouldn't be able to do much now that I am disabled but I know now that I was wrong. It may not seem like much to some but if I can help people who are more capable of doing something amazing that matters, then I'm gonna get to it! I have been working on myself for sometime now and I know I am still a work in progress. Yet I believe that I am ready to start fulfilling the purpose that God has made for me by helping others to fulfill theirs. All I ask from whoever reads this to please check out my new blog, pass it along and if you feel inclined to, donate to your hearts desire. May God bless you and keep you always.

Love,

M
http://missionarydepot.blogspot.com/

The Rain

Friday, July 02, 2010

4:25 PM

It's raining and every time it does I am reminded of my pain and my body. There was a time when I feared the rain because my bones would ache so much. Everything hurt and it was too much of it to be comfortable in my own skin. It felt like my tendons, muscles and joints were shrinking over my bones all at once like dried up leather. It even hurt to lie down. I punished myself and thought that I deserved this pain because of the person I was before. I am so thankful to my Loving God that He has healed me and made a way for me to get the proper treatment I needed to be able to live again with my body and my condition. I know now that my pains were for a reason but not for my punishment. They were and are a way to show me just how alive I am and to appreciate my own life that I took for granted. Now every time it rains, I welcome them because I never want to forget that time in my life and how the Lord was there for me like a comforting father. My body isn't the same anymore but whatever is left of it I give it to God to use for His kingdom. I lay down my life for Him because He has saved me and given me so much. Just like the rain that comes with storms, winds and darkness yet renews the earth and helps it to grow lush, green and beautiful. So does my God.

Letting Go

How do I let go of someone in my life that I care for so much? This hurts so much more than any high school break up I ever had. All I wanted was the best for them and to love them but it was at my expense. The more I tried, the more I failed. I cannot please the unappeasable. I cannot fix what started out broken by someone else. I wish I could have them back but I know I can't unless they are ready. So what do I do until then? Its like watching them being stuck on a raft on a river headed for a crashing waterfall and they don’t want my rope. How can I stand by and watch them self destruct? I am only a weak and frail lesser human. I cannot please everybody, I cannot fix everything, I cannot make right all the wrongs of this world. All I can do is let go, pray and let God do the rest. He is the One who can and will! If faith can move a mountain, then faith can stop a raging waterfall or better still it can be there to catch the raft.

My Journey

 
 

The journey of my life has brought me here.  I have tried everything else and at a speedy pace but none of it filled my emptiness.  I know now what I must do as much as I denied it, avoided it, and feared it.  The road ahead will be even more difficult than I ever thought it could be.  Only this time the difficulties will no longer be of my own doing but it will be worth it all.  I know this because I have seen by my own personal observations what this change has already brought upon me.  I am tired of worrying, being angry, feeling hopeless and most of all hating myself.  I will learn from my past mistakes to mold myself into a better person. Someone who will be content, happy, optimistic and finally have my self esteem/worth restored.  I will always be a work in progress with so much relentless opposition against me.  Still no matter what blocks my path, makes me falter or even fail, I must move forward and progress!  I finally found the stronghold to protect me and a sanctuary to give my mind the peace it needs to make the right decisions in life.  The proof is in my heart and it is finally healed. This is my journey and I share it with anyone who wants to listen. 

 
 

I am weak and I pray for strength

I am proud and I pray to be humble

I am me and I pray to be more like You

 
 

 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow...Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Rebellion

I rebel from your righteous law
Seeking my own way through this world
Trudging through this bitter place
Easily I fall

I lay so easily in this wicked trap
Like a hammock on a summer's day
To be consumed and controlled by selfish ways
Following a backwards map

I run run run
To fall fall fall

I keep getting up
Finding a path that is my own
Joining the ranks of the lost
Drinking from the poisoned cup

I run run run
To fall fall fall

I keep running into me
Blocking my own way
Wrestling with the demons of my sins
Delaying my logical journey

I press on ahead
A battle raging in my mind
Reaching for a bit of sanity
Wanting only to be lead

I fall fall fall
To crawl crawl crawl

I stay on this wicked course
A marvelous light shines so bright
Confusion setting in
Knowing faintly of it's source

I see the dawn is breaking
One more tomorrow turns to hope
Losing my despair
My broken soul is shaking

I crawl crawl crawl
To stand stand stand

I rebel from my wicked me
Turning away from the standards of this world
Leaving the prison of my tormentor mind
The shadows flee

I am lost in the light
Destroying the constricting darkness
Rebuilding the foundations of my strength
Preparing me for the fight

I stand stand stand
To rebel rebel rebel

Against the trap set by this world!