Healing Process

I went to my routine visit with the rheumatologist today and received lots of information about myself.  I learned that the reason why I have premature menopause is because of the chemotherapy I went through over 5 years ago. For a long time I thought of all sorts of reasons why I can't have a baby. I even let myself believe the lie that there is something wrong with me or that I don't deserve to have children. The doctor said there were no regrets about putting me on Cytoxan because of the positive effects it has had on my body. She even said that I am doing really well for having Scleroderma and my case was in a league of its own. Of course, there is another BIG factor at play! The doctor mentioned that other cases didn't do well at all with all sorts of different treatments. All I could tell them was that I had a lot of help. I almost felt bad because I only said that my faith was what got me through such a trying time when this disease was at its worst in me. I should have just came right out and said it: without God I would NOT have made it through those painful years! Instead I said it was MY faith. Then it came to mind what Jesus said every time He healed someone:

He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."  I know in my heart those doctors knew where my "help" comes from so I don't have to feel guilty about not speaking His Name. Still, I must share it with everyone else. JESUS HEALS! Sure I could believe that the Cytoxan did its job but at what cost? I don't deny that it was a tool that was used but all GLORY, HONOR AND PRAISE goes to my HEAVENLY FATHER! He has been so good to me and has been carrying me through so much.  My  life has been changing so drastically, especially in the past 10 years. I CANNOT deny Him or what He is doing. Remembering all this just keeps my faith growing even stronger. The doctor said right now my body is doing better but it could change in the future since it is a chronic disease. God says He satisfies my desires and renews my youth like the eagles. My desire is to have a child and however it happens I know my faith partnered with GOD'S GRACE will work it all out. I am not going to be fearful about my future health status because no matter what changes, on CHRIST THE SOLID ROCK I will stand! THANK YOU FATHER! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

Mother's Day Anguish and Breakthrough

Happy Mother's Day to all the mommas out there!! :D I have to admit it has been a bittersweet day for me. I have been dealing with this inner turmoil I've been having about well, not having any children.  I just found out a few weeks ago that I have premature menopause.  I wanted so much to believe I was pregnant all the way until the day of my sonogram.  I procrastinated going because of memories of my past one. Instead of seeing my lifeless child, I saw complete darkness. I honestly can't say which felt worse.  What I do know is that I thank my Father God for giving me His Son, Jesus Christ!!! He gives me Hope and Reassurance daily!  If I didn't have Him in my life, I would have completely given up so many times.  He has shown me that this life is temporary and that the next one is where all the really good stuff happens.  With Him I know that my first child is waiting for me.  I didn't get to know the pain of child birth but the pain I did have is enough to appreciate having a child in my arms.  I haven't been able to yet but I will have an eternity to never let go!  Only God knows why I can't have children, whether it's because of His Will or because that thief satan is futilely  trying to rob what's rightfully mine.  Either way I know, trust and praise my Heavenly Father to help get through this.  After hearing just in the past few days, of all the horrible things being done to so many children, it has caused a burning anger in my heart! Part of my turmoil was frustration of so much awful in gratitude for their lives but not any more. I have come to the conclusion that I am going to do something about it and turn that anger into a Righteous anger.  I thirst for justice for the children in this world and I pray that God will give me the Wisdom and Strength to make a difference.  The enemy the devil hates children because of how much Jesus loves them.  I remember when I was younger I would always have dreams of hiding , trying to protect or searching for a baby and I never knew what they meant. Maybe that's part of my purpose, as well as making sure my loved ones get saved.  Slowly I can see my life starting to come into focus and I am starting to get a grasp of what God has planned for me.  On the agenda is teaching the Gospel to my kids at church, taking the Gospel to my kids in the Dominican Republic, then fostering and adopting lots of kids of all ages for the rest of my life!  I have learned that we are all God's adopted children and whether they would have been from the womb or not makes no difference.  Everyone wants to be and deserves to be loved, especially children.  I thank You Father in advance for entrusting me with the lives of Your children, AMEN.

Psalm 113:9
He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD.

SPRING IS ON ITS WAY

If it seems like you're stuck in these cold, dark days of Winter know that you won't stay frozen here for long. 

SPRING IS ON ITS WAY!

The sun is still shining and it gives us hope, a glimpse of the lovely Spring days.  Those are the days when everything grows, when the seeds we planted begin to bud. Even the seeds that seemed to be planted during strife will eventually blossom into something beautiful to behold.  The ice will melt, the clouds will part.  The sun will shine and warm your heart.

 So when its cold and gloomy just keep in mind, SPRING IS ON ITS WAY!!

Isaiah 60:1

“Arise, shine, for your light has come, 

   and the glory of the LORD rises upon you. 

Isaiah 61:11

The Sovereign LORD will show his justice to the nations of the world. Everyone will praise him! His righteousness will be like a garden in early spring, with plants springing up everywhere.

Hosea 6:3

Oh, that we might know the LORD! Let us press on to know him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring.” 

The End Product

We often expect to see people as the already perfect created being that God sees us as.  Or we try to be that perfect being ourselves.

WE ARE NOT GOD!

We are not perfect but we are a Good Work in Progress!  It is very easy to be critical of ourselves or one another for not being the "end product" but we have the perfect outline to follow made by the Perfect Man, the Perfecter Himself, Jesus Christ!  Until we all meet again in Heaven will we be able to expect perfection from ourselves and one another.  In the mean time we can expect perfect Peace from the One who is.

Romans 12:3 NLT

Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.

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Self pity is such a waste of time.

Feeling sorry for myself never changes anything. I am tired of allowing it to control my life and keep me from doing so much that needs to be done already. Some things are just beyond my control and what isn't, I have to stop being lazy about making the changes for the better. I just need to focus on what I do have control over and ask God to give me the wisdom to deal with it all, what I don't I give to Him.

A Good Man, A Great Teacher

First I suppose I will start off by sharing some of the memories I have of my father.


I remember getting up early at five in the morning sometimes with my momma to watch her make my daddy breakfast and iron his bright white work shirts. I believe that was when I first tried coffee and my daddy only took it black, no cream, no sugar. YUCK! Then when he’d get home from work he almost always had a candy bar in his front pocket just for me. I remember I hurt his feelings one time when instead of giving him my usual hug and kiss, I went for his shirt pocket. I remember I would stay up late with my parents when they used to sit outside on the patio and have the radio on while they drank their Schlitz. I would climb onto my daddy’s lap and grab his beer can while he was having his “grown folk” talks with my momma or whoever was there to listen. Then he would get after me for finishing his beer and I had to go into the ice chest for another “make sure you close the lid all the way” he’d say. Then he’d let me have another sip.
Once when we were at a wedding he asked me what I wanted to drink (like a soda or juice) but instead I said “I want a Schlitz!” cause I loved my daddy so much I wanted to be just like him. My momma said I drank it all, danced my little booty off, and then fell asleep on the table. Good thing I was only 4 or 5 so it was cute and not embarrassing.
Once I started school I stopped drinking and I hardly got to see my daddy as much because he worked all the time. Still just about every Friday he would pick me up from school and take me to McDonald’s for my favorite, a Happy Meal! Sometimes he would tell my momma, “we’ll be back I’m gonna take mija for a burger and we’d go all the way to the Southside for a cheeseburger at Stanley’s Icehouse. I’d play with whatever toy he bought me while he got to hangout and drink with his buddies. Sorry momma! ^^
During the summers he would always take us in his old green Chevy with the awesome camper on the back to the coast and the river. That truck had some miles on it but those were good times! The first time he ever spanked me was in the 5th grade because when he was coming down the driveway at our house I jumped on the back of the truck while it was still moving. The only thing that really hurt was my feelings but I never did it again.
As I got older we didn’t hangout as much except when I went with him and my momma to Perry’s Icehouse. There he taught me how to shoot pool. Of course things changed when I started having boyfriends. Lucky for him I was a late bloomer and a total nerd. But I was still bad. Once he caught me making out with my high school boyfriend and jumped out of his big yellow banana car to slap me. That time my feelings and my face hurt!
From then on we didn’t really see eye to eye but sometimes I would still stay up and talk to him while he had his beers. He always taught me about respect (too bad for me it didn't stick :/) and to always have a good work ethic. He also had some faith in me to make something of myself. He tried very hard to teach me how to be organized which I still struggle with. I remember when I was having trouble finding a job after I graduated college, he helped me pay for school to get my bachelor’s. He even helped me out when I had to humble myself by working at a little sandwich shop next to Jacalitos. He would open the place with me and take out the trash. Good thing he quit drinking for a little while around that time or he would be having beer instead of his water with lemon.
Looking back there was a lot of good lessons I learned from my father and even a few bad habits.
One of them was depression. After he lost the most important woman in his life, his mother, my grandmother, he just wasn’t my same daddy. It seemed like our whole family lost it when Wilita died. My poor daddy couldn’t deal with life without her. I never understood what was going on with him at the time. All I felt was his anger, resentment, bitterness and worst of all his despair. The only way he handled all of this was to drink. He would always say “I’m gonna die tomorrow anyway”. Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t physically abusive and his worse only came out when he was drunk. Still, sometimes his words stung a thousand times more than the slap to my face.
He couldn’t understand why I didn’t always hug and kiss on him like my cousins Lety and Mary but he never told them the things he told me. For a long time I held that against him and I blamed that and my mother’s issues on the poor choices I made in my life. Not just in my life but I saw that also as the reasons my brothers and sister done what they have in their past.
When I got really sick with Scleroderma I started to see the cold darkness of despair for myself. It wasn’t until I was at one of many but the biggest of my breaking points that I was ready to call it quits. Then God jumped in and saved me by placing lots of wonderful people and especially my husband and my Shippo in my life. Instead of giving up I slowly let Christ into my life. It was still a struggle because I had to have so many barriers broken, some that I let get created by the hurtful words of my parents, my siblings and anyone else with negativity. Especially by all of my past mistakes by taking all of those words to heart without knowing better by considering what they were all dealing with.
In seeing all of this from the outside looking in I started to understand the way people function, cope, deal, struggle. I really saw my father for what he was, not the King Arthur we known him to be, not a superhero, or the strong, intelligent man I looked up to. Just a troubled man with a broken spirit.
As I write this I see everything unfolding before me in my memories and thoughts of him. So I guess I could say I had one regret in my life, it was that I wish I could have figured all of this out a lot earlier but it’s not for me to do because I didn’t figure it out on my own. It was only revealed to me for this very moment.
I know I’ll always wish in the back of my mind that I could have helped him, that I could have fixed him so he could have been even happier than just when he was at dances, weddings, or parties. That’s not for me to do, I can’t fix people. All I can do is help God find a way into people’s hearts to change their lives for the better as He has done in my life. I learned so much from my daddy about despair but so much more about faith. In his last days, the faith that I have gained helped to calm his fears about death. The memory that will stand out the most is the last and precious one I had with him, my mother and my sister in his hospital room. I finally forgave him in my heart for whatever wrong I thought he did in my life. I think we all did that night and we all held each other while we cried.
Now what I will always have to give me hope to remove any despair that may try to creep into the future is that my daddy accepted Christ into his heart twice! Once for himself and once for me. Knowing that has given me peace, so much so that I don’t have to cry. I know he is finally completely happy. He’s with his momma, he’s with our Lord Jesus Christ, he’s waiting for me.

You Give Hope to the Weary

Thank You Jesus for the strength that you give us during these trying times. These storms are coming in quickly and I know that changes are in store for us. I can see my family rebuilding with a strong relationship with you. Watching my father, the cornerstone of my family, suffer with cancer has shown me this. Even though its already in its 4th stage,and there is literally nothing we can do about it but pray, I still have hope. I know God is putting everything in motion and lots will fall on my sister & I. My sister for her patience and reliability, and me for my faith and spiritual strength. I will continue to praise You in this storm and I will not question your plans. I love you Lord and I thank you for what you're doing in my life!